Christian Counseling Resources Online

The 10 Biggest Mistakes Men Make - Counseling Pro Talks About His New Book

2011-11-05T09:08:00.000-07:00

Where are all the male relationship advice talk show hosts? They just don't exist.

Dr. Laura and Dr. Joy Browne have been around a long time and do a great job. But where are the men? They are a "no show." So it looks like I'm the man.

That's why I am writing my new book about the 10 Biggest Mistakes Men Make. No one else can write it. They just don't have the insight or the love.

I know what some of you are going to say - there are many men relationship counselors on Christian radio. You are right, but I'm talking about mainstream secular radio. Besides, well known Christian family and relationship counselors are, in my opinion, very wimpy.

They don't understand what women and the kids really need from a man.

They think the man has to be nicer. And if he is nicer, then everything will be fine. So you have men bringing flowers, helping her vacuum, doing the dishes, and telling her how much he loves her with little love notes on the refrigerator.

Meanwhile the family still suffers, and he scratches his head and never figures it out.

I'm not going to give away the contents of the book. But I will give you one hint.

Men - most of the time "nice" means weak. A woman-worshiping male who wants something from his girl friend will tip toe around and be very nice so he can get what he wants.

A guilty husband, who had lunch with someone at the office or who is smoking behind his wife's back, will act very nice. The husband who leaves his wife in charge of everything, including the kids' education, is nice.

But these are weak men and their partners know it.

Of course, the seeming opposite - being mean, dictatorial or angry - is even worse. Both extremes are error.

Remember John Wayne? Remember Clark Gable in Gone With the Wind? Remember Gary Cooper in High Noon? They portrayed men who had character. They stood for something. They were firm, but they also had a tender side. They loved principle more than anything.

They loved principle more than their wife (but their wives felt secure because she knew he could be trusted and would never fail her).

Have you ever seen Miracle on 34th Street (the original version, the one with Natalie Wood)? Kris Kringle could be very no-nonsense, but he always had a twinkle in his eye.

Men - stand for something. Learn to be honorable and principled, without anger or resentment. Be a man and love principle. Then your wife and kids will have something to respect.

If you are a people pleaser and wimpy nice, they may like you (like having their way with you), but they won't respect you.

If you are angry or violent - no wonder they hate you. If you take drugs or drink excessively - you haven't even gotten to first base in terms of what a real man is.

If you are a decent guy and are home every evening; If you don't drink, cheat, smoke marijuana, gamble, use bad words or get violent - then you are on first base and there is hope for you. My books might help you find the missing something that your family needs to see in you.

Remember - be like Kris Kringle. Always have a twinkle in your eye.

Help for Low Self Esteem - Why Do I Have Low Self Esteem?

2011-11-04T21:31:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that resentment is often involved when a person feels inferior. That's why it is very important to learn how to let go of resentment.

You'd be surprised how many people have feelings of inferiority. Some in one area, some in another. Some globally. Sooner or later you will hear stories of movie stars, championship athletes, and successful people from all walks of life who confess that they have always had feelings of inferiority.

You will feel relieved to know that others--even successful people--suffer from a sense of inferiority. But just knowing this won't do you any good. Besides, for every "successful" person there are dozens of people who are not being all they can be because of some trip that was laid on them when they were kids, or because of some suggestion they picked up and have never been able to shake.

Courtship, Marriage and Relationships Advice Book

2011-06-16T16:33:00.000-07:00

Here it is. The book you have been waiting for.

Roland's new book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages.

Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in Pastoral Psychology and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

To read chapter one free and for information about previewing this relationship success manual, click here

Talk To a Pastor Online: Don't Let Financial Troubles Harm Your Marriage or...

2011-04-27T18:35:00.000-07:00

Talk To a Pastor Online: Don't Let Financial Troubles Harm Your Marriage or...: "Financial crisis does not have to lead to family crisis. Economic troubles don't have to result in relationship or health problems. You ..."

How Do I Forgive and Forget?

2010-12-06T11:48:00.001-08:00

The following are excerpts from my popular article What is the Number One Cause of Divorce

Are you stressed out? Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life's little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids? Do you come home and resent your husband over some little things that he does?

Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like "exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient" describe you?

If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride. . . . . . . . . . . .

I can honestly tell you that the number one reason for marriage break ups and relationship problems is resentment.
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I understand why people become resentful. When things aren't going well or when others don't seem to understand us or our needs, that's when we need love, patience and understanding the most.
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We don't have it within because we are already destabilized and not in our center. So we look for love and understanding from others. And when they don't have it: we become resentful.
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What I have discovered in my 21 years of writing and talking to people about resentment is this: when things aren't going right, we look to change things on the outside.
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And of course our most frequent first choice is to try to change the other person. But you have found that this doesn't work. Whether it is your partner, your child, or your parent--trying to change another makes things worse. Either people resist our manipulations and rebel; or else they fall for our manipulations and become weak and dependent.

So here is the answer. Instead of looking to the outside for love, or looking to the outside to try to change someone, I have found that it is most helpful to first look at two things: one, our resentment; and two, our over-reactions that destabilize us in the first place.

If you could learn to stand back and observe others without resentment or upset--understanding, patience and compassion could enter the picture. Secondly, you would begin to see clearly (when the emotional fog has cleared) what is really going on. So you could make better, calmer, and reasonable decisions.

New! Now you can get some feedback right away from the convenience of your home. I am now available for low cost consultation at Live Person via chat, email or telephone. Click here for more information.

. . . . . . . . . . . .Read the whole article

.
Read Chapter One from the book My Husband and I Argue All the Time - Time tested truths for healing relationships

Read Avoiding Divorce by Giving up Resentment

Preview free the ebook My Husband and I argue All the Time-- Time Tested Truths for Healing Relationships

Meditation to Help Start Over Again

2009-12-02T16:27:00.000-08:00

How often we wish we could get a fresh start in life. We recognize that we've made some mistakes, and the past weighs heavily on our mind. We wish we could take back some cruel words, spend more time with someone, or be more forgiving this time.

I understand, and I also know what you need.

Listen to the beautiful words from Cardinal Fenelon, the French mystic:

Do not be discouraged at your faults; bear with yourself in correcting them, as you would with your neighbor. Lay aside this ardor of mind, which exhausts your body, and leads you to commit errors. Accustom yourself gradually to carry prayer into all your daily occupations. Speak, move, work, in peace, as if you were in prayer, as indeed you ought to be.
Do everything without excitement, by the spirit of grace. As soon as you perceive your natural impetuosity gliding in, retire quietly within, where is the kingdom of God. Listen to the leadings of grace, then say and do nothing but what the Holy Spirit shall put in your heart.
You will find that you will become more tranquil, that your words will be fewer and more effectual, and that, with less effort, you will accomplish more good.

FRANCOIS DE LA MOTHE FENELON.

These words were written 300 years ago. They are just as true today as the day they were written. He's obviously found something, and I know what it is. I would like to share the secret with you, but it is only for the sincere in heart.

To start again, you need two things: a way of living and moving and having your being that is calm and not willful. And more importantly a way of speaking and acting gracefully with wisdom and common sense. One where reason leads instead of emotion. One where intuition is your guide rather than pressures from the outside. One where you are a friend of God and comfortable with your conscience.

Perhaps now you see what else is needed: a way of dealing with the traumas, baggage, and memories of the past. And mostly those memories are of failure. Where we were hasty, impetuous, angry, excited, greedy, prideful or selfish. We moved without wisdom and were tempted away from reason. We became resentful and said or did the wrong thing. We doubted God and good. We became animated at the thought of personal gain, and we moved excitedly and blindly.

You cannot change the past. All you can do is live rightly from now on. The secret lies in a sincere willingness to know the truth and a willingness to admit wrong. This willingness leads to a wonderful thing: a softening of our heart and there being an opening for God's inner light to begin to shine in our life.

When we are willing to know the truth, we begin to see our own wrong--especially resentments and hatreds toward others. But this time, instead of fighting conscience, we permit it to overwhelm us and chasten us.

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Our pride is dashed, we regret and mourn our wrong in the Light of Intuition.

This wordless inner light has always been there. We knew, in our heart of hearts, that we were being selfish or resentful, but we made something (like our pride) too important.

So we fought conscience and tried to deny it. We redoubled our efforts to make ourselves look good, smart, or right in the eyes of the world--as if to prove God's inner light wrong. But all we did was heap more condemnation on our head.

Our next big mistake was trying to deal with the memories of our errors egotistically. We suppressed and repressed. We tried to rearrange the past, or we tried to plan and scheme our way out of the messes we made. All to save face.

For the sincere seeker, who really and truly wants to be a better person--not just to save face or to feel better--but to come clean before conscience and admit some things, there is no better way that to use the meditation we offer to learn how to be still before the inner light.

By not escaping into worries, daydreams, memories or thinking; and by not reaching for some outside distraction--the soul becomes still and faces Reality. And only the soul that is truly willing to admit wrong will be able to do so.

The beautiful part about this is that the Light from God will wordlessly make the soul aware that it can do nothing. It cannot make itself good. It cannot deal with guilt or make itself innocent. The soul, chastened and helpless, turns inwardly to God. It lets go of its struggle and "lets go and lets God.

Now the soul can live in the Presence in the present. And as memories of past failings rise (a few every day--only as much as the soul can bear), it does not try to deal with them in any way. It is the Light from God that does the work or repentance. One day, there are no more errors of the past to see--only a beautiful present to live in.

And now graced with the delicate presence of the inner Light in which the soul now moves, this light becomes a lamp unto thy feet, gently and wordlessly guiding you away from error and in the right path.

Find out more about the meditation

How Do I Deal With Low Self Esteem

2009-09-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

How Do I Control My Emotions and Not Be Upset

2009-03-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

What we do here at the Center For Common Sense Counseling is help people work through relationship and stress issues by teaching them how to become centered and flow from intuition.

Most of us are suppressed and inhibited because we are reactive, and thus outer directed. We react to situations and people, and then say or do the wrong thing. We become afraid of expressing our pent-up hostility, and we dread another round of error and failure.

So we hide ourselves from others so as not to be embarrassed or make mistakes. We put on a phony facade to keep people at a distance. Our secret hostility and resentment make us feel empty and needy.

But instead of finding an inner rapport and wholeness, we reach out to the world.

(article continues below)

____________________

announcement

Roland's new book is now available at CafePress. Becoming a Friend of God: Finding Peace of Mind and Courage in an Age of Anxiety is the culmination of 20 years of teaching and mentoring.

Find out more. . . . . . . .

___________________

Feeling unworthy and yet needy, we clumsily claw for love, often settling for the most lowly and loathsome love offerings. When we can't bear the pain of reaching for love anymore, we settle for the comfort and false love of drugs, alcohol, and pills, or we stuff ourselves with food. All because in our distant past someone upset us or pulled on our heart strings, tempting us to step away from our center of dignity and love.

Some of us continue to yearn for the good we have never known. But reaching out to worldly spiritual or religious organizations has brought us betrayal or led to cynicism. We love truth and goodness, but we haven't found the real thing. Those we trusted either betrayed us, used us, or revealed their own lack of understanding.

What we need is to refind the inner intuitive way of living and moving and having our being. We need the original perspective, the one we had before we were upset and sidetracked by authorities who themselves had been tempted away from reason and inner love.

Fortunately we can find the love and understanding we have always been searching for by learning to become still.

We can refind the original perspective, and then moving unemotionally from this clear perspective, we will see our way back to a sensible, calm, inner directed way of life. A special simple meditation or centering exercise teaches us how to stand back from thought and emotion. It is not difficult or complicated. Perhaps the most difficult part of it is setting aside the intellectual analysis and second guessing, and just practicing the meditation in its sheer simplicity.

Calming down and beginning to see clearly, we begin to see things and people, including ourselves, as we really are. Going out into the world, we learn to be less reactive. We learn to be patient with people. We learn not to look to them for love, because once having found the inner light in which to see, wordless guidance by which to act, and inner warmth and rapport to seal us off from outer entanglements, we are free to express truth and be patient with others.

Family, relationship, work, and health issues begin to resolve themselves. When we have love instead of seeking love, and when we have patience instead of impatience, we develop a healthy disinterest concern for others, instead of needing something from them.

Spiritual and physical health is the natural state of the body and soul. By learning to give up the resentment, emotionality, and a misguided lifestyle that interferes with health, we recover in the Light.

Find out more........................

I Don't Care, But Everyone Says I'm Supposed to Care

2009-03-01T16:54:00.000-08:00

One of the greatest psychic self defense attributes that we can have is humility. Not the pretend kind. The real thing.

Remember when you were a kid and someone said something or did something (which may have been mean, sneaky, crude, cruel, or manipulative), but it didn't bother you because frankly you didn't understand it or even notice it. You were innocent and not prideful.

Remember Mr. Magoo in the cartoon? People were honking their horns and yelling at him and he was completely oblivious.

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The French have a term "insouciance." Light-hearted lack of concern. It is not exactly humility but very close. It's something like Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman's "What, me worry."

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It's also something like what Ralph Waldo Emerson had in mind when he described the natural nonchalance of boys in his famous essay "Self Reliance." That's why everybody loves Bart Simpson.

It's like Clark Gable's famous line from Gone With the Wind: "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

Starting Over Again After A Divorce, Jail, Or Just Many Wrong Choices

2009-02-23T15:48:00.000-08:00

I understand, and I also know what you need.

Listen to the beautiful words from Cardinal Fenelon, the French mystic:

Do not be discouraged at your faults; bear with yourself in correcting them, as you would with your neighbor. Lay aside this ardor of mind, which exhausts your body, and leads you to commit errors. Accustom yourself gradually to carry prayer into all your daily occupations. Speak, move, work, in peace, as if you were in prayer, as indeed you ought to be.

Do everything without excitement, by the spirit of grace. As soon as you perceive your natural impetuosity gliding in, retire quietly within, where is the kingdom of God. Listen to the leadings of grace, then say and do nothing but what the Holy Spirit shall put in your heart.

You will find that you will become more tranquil, that your words will be fewer and more effectual, and that, with less effort, you will accomplish more good.

FRANCOIS DE LA MOTHE FENELON.

These words were written 300 years ago. They are just as true today as the day they were written. He's obviously found something, and I know what it is. I would like to share the secret with you, but it is only for the sincere in heart.

To start again, you need two things: a way of living and moving and having your being that is calm and not willful. And more importantly a way of speaking and acting gracefully with wisdom and common sense. One where reason leads instead of emotion. One where intuition is your guide rather than pressures from the outside. One where you are a friend of God and comfortable with your conscience.

Perhaps now you see what else is needed: a way of dealing with the traumas, baggage, and memories of the past. And mostly those memories are of failure. Where we were hasty, impetuous, angry, excited, greedy, prideful or selfish. We moved without wisdom and were tempted away from reason. We became resentful and said or did the wrong thing. We doubted God and good. We became animated at the thought of personal gain, and we moved excitedly and blindly.

You cannot change the past. All you can do is live rightly from now on. The secret lies in a sincere willingness to know the truth and a willingness to admit wrong. This willingness leads to a wonderful thing: a softening of our heart and there being an opening for God's inner light to begin to shine in our life.

Our pride is dashed, we regret and mourn our wrong in the Light of Intuition.

This wordless inner light has always been there. We kind of knew we were being selfish or resentful, but we made something (like our pride) too important.

So we fought conscience and tried to deny it. We redoubled our efforts to make ourselves look good, smart, or right in the eyes of the world--as if to disprove God's inner light wrong. But all we did was heap more condemnation on our head.

Our next big mistake was trying to deal with the memories of our errors egotistically. We suppressed and repressed. We tried to rearrange the past, or we tried to plan and scheme our way out of the messes we made. All to save face.

For the sincere seeker, who really and truly wants to be a better person--not just to save face or to feel better--but to come clean before conscience and admit some things, there is no better way that to use the meditation we offer to learn how to be still before the inner light.

By not escaping into worries, daydreams, memories or thinking; and by not reaching for some outside distraction--the soul becomes still and faces Reality. And only the soul that is truly willing to admit wrong will be able to do so.

The beautiful part about this is that the Light from God will wordlessly make the soul aware that it can do nothing. It cannot make itself good. It cannot deal with guilt or make itself innocent. The soul, chastened and helpless, turns inwardly to God. It lets go of its struggle and "lets go and lets God.

Now the soul can live in the Presence in the present. And as memories of past failings rise (a few every day--only as much as the soul can bear), it does not try to deal with them in any way. It is the Light from God that does the work or repentance. One day, there are no more errors of the past to see--only a beautiful present to live in.

And now graced with the delicate presence of the inner Light in which the soul now moves, this light becomes a lamp unto thy feet, gently and wordlessly guiding you away from error and in the right path.

Find out more about the meditation

How Do I Deal With Inner Conflict

2009-02-01T18:48:00.000-08:00

Most of our health, mental, spiritual, and emotional problems are a result of conflict. The conflict has three aspects: conflict with self, conflict with others, and conflict with conscience.

By far the most critical conflict is our conflict with conscience. The proper resolution of this conflict will begin to resolve the other conflicts as well. So, in this article we will look, in turn, at each of the types of conflict, beginning with conflict with conscience.

Most people do not know what conscience is. It is the soul's perception of God's inner Light making us aware that we have erred. If you do someone wrong, and afterwards you feel bad: it is actually conflict with God, the God Who loves you and Who wishes to gently make you aware that you have erred. In fact, anxiety is conscience in its least recognizable form.

Most of us are so lost in our thinking that we do not even sense our intuition anymore. Conscience makes you wordlessly aware. It is not thinking. It is wordlessly realizing. Conscience does not speak to you with words. It shines a light on things.

If you were to become friends with conscience, you would become a friend of God and your conflict would cease. But reconciling to conscience does mean being sorry (sincerely sorry) for what you see about yourself. Being sorry is what God requires.

Suppose you had done a really rotten thing to your dad. Then you ran far away and avoided him. Months or years later, you became truly sorry. You would have to come back to your dad and admit that you had done him wrong and be sorry. So it is with your Heavenly Father.

But since most adults want to preserve pride and never ever admit they are wrong--that is why repentance is a rare thing.

Can We Reconcile

2009-01-19T18:20:00.000-08:00

Editor's note: this is just part of one chapter in Roland's book: The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage. Now in ebook.

The short answer is yes, but. . . .

The somewhat longer answer: Maybe and maybe not. There are many factors involved, as well as complications. The other side may not want to. Especially if you were not a very good husband, wife, or parent.

Perhaps things were going south, but you were too busy or a little naive. You didn't see what was happening until a crisis hit--such as she filed for divorce, he found someone else, or a child ran away from home.

This article is about some sort of falling away due to issues; but there are cases where it wasn't your fault at all. For example, a young couple gets married and right away the war intervenes. Thousands of miles apart, things can change, especially today with all the influences on people.

But usually people are interested in this topic if the separation was the result of hurt feelings, arguments, and misunderstandings. Most of the time both sides must shoulder some of the responsibility. Thinking back, we realize that we could have been more understanding, less selfish, and a lot less resentful.

Now we are ready to be a good mom, dad, husband or wife, but is it possible to reconcile? . . . . . . Read more in Roland's new 315 page marriage and relationship book.

____________________

Hello, my name is Roland and I am a pastor. I've been on the radio for almost 22 years, both secular stations and Christian stations around the country.

I get a lot of questions about relationships and marriage--probably most of the questions I get. A couple of years ago I wrote a book about marriage. It was excellent, but I wanted to take it to the next level.

I think that The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage really does fulfill my expectations. I wanted a book that is about marriage, and even though I am conservative and traditional, I wanted the book to be inclusive. And it is.

People who are in long term or short term relationships will enjoy and benefit from my book. I talk about some of the deep aspects of marriage, and I can explain why so many relationships have issues.

I also wanted at talk about dating and courtship (there is a difference), and why I favor courtship.

I wanted a book for ladies who are working on their relationship. But I also wanted it to be a book that men, especially thoughtful men who want to be good husbands and fathers, will feel comfortable with.

I wanted a book that is serious--a serious book about a serious and important topic. But I also wanted it to be fun--a good read--and even funny in parts.

Finally I wanted to write a book that can be read again and again. Each time getting some new insight. Or a book that a young man or lady who is just married, and issues develop, can reach for and turn to the chapter on the issue, and get some insights and solutions.

I believe that this is the book.

Your friend, Pastor Roland

Product Description

Why do couples argue? How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage? How can we communicate better? I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not. What is the difference between courtship and casual dating? My wife asked me to leave. Why are men the way we are? What does my wife want? Can we reconcile? How about sex? My wife cheated on me –now what? Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio, this is the courtship, marriage and relationship repair handbook you have been waiting for. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.

About the Author

Roland Trujillo, lecturer, marriage coach, author, radio host, husband and dad, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.
Product Details

Paperback: 318 pages
ISBN-10: 1463663706
ISBN-13: 978-1463663704Here it is. The book you have been waiting for.

Written by Pastor Roland and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage

How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband or Wife?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your
God Given Instincts
10
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95

Preview at Scribd and purchase to download to your computer or mobile device for $9.95. Save 33% off paperback

Got a budget? Want to help Pastor Roland? For a donation of $5.00 we will send you this 315 page book in pdf. as a token of our appreciation. Click here to look inside or donate to help Roland

Save 66% from paperback price

Why We Should Not Make New Years Resolutions

2008-12-31T16:19:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of the New Year there is a natural tendency to look forward with hope, to let go of the past, and to start afresh. This is a very positive thing.

The sense of starting anew is a wonderful one. Actually, we should have this positive feeling every morning as we rise to face the new day. “Hope springs eternal.” said the poet. Hope is a facet of faith and leads to something to look forward to.

Before addressing New Year’s resolutions, let’s first talk about what blocks or ruins a sense of starting anew. We shouldn’t have to wait for New Year for this positive sense. It should spring forth naturally every morning. The perfect model for this is the little child who jumps out of bed every morning, full of joy and excitement, looking forward to new discoveries and new adventures.

A little child (unless they are being woken up too early to be shuttled off the preschool, daycare, or a horrible public school) will be naturally happy, naturally full of zest and naturally hopeful. Another way of saying the same thing is that the unpressured child is not burdened by the past. He or she has no worry. Nothing is preying upon his or her mind. No corrupt memory is rising to pull upon his attention and draw him into images of love or hate.

In sum: he or she is free to live the present moment fully, giving wholehearted attention to the present moment. Along with this wholehearted attention to the present is a blessed state of mind that is full of peace and quiet excitement. From this arises hope and looking forward to meeting the day. The innocent child is not burdened by the baggage from the past.

But look at what happens to us adults. As soon as we wake up we find ourselves quickly drawn into worry over bills, health, family problems, and work problems. We worry about money and we scheme about ways to get it. We worry about health and we scheme about ways to get cured or alleviate symptoms. We remember something wrong we did and we scheme ways to go undetected or escape the consequences.

If we're not busy worrying about the past, then we are worrying about the future: the boss we must face, the meeting we must go to, the phone call we must make, the test we must take or the speech we must give. We can actually even dread leaving home.

Remember what Christ said: He said unless you become like little children, you cannot enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. Could it be that he also meant that we should stop reliving the past and worrying about the future? Could it be that He meant we should have a happy go lucky spirit? Could it be that He meant we should have a care-free untroubled spirit? I think so.

Our worrying about the future is a consequence and extension of our failure in the past. The person who has no history of failure has no fear of the future. But since we all have failed, the person who will one day be able to drop all the baggage from the past is the one who is willing to observe past failings and stop trying to deal with them egotistically.

In the Sermon on the Mount, He told us to not worry about the future. In the Lord’s Prayer, we are instructed to ask for “this day our daily bread,” not our monthly bread. He definitely wants us to live one day at a time.

In fact, the Kingdom of Heaven is realized in the moment: one moment at a time in the living present.

.......Read the full article

How Do I Become More Forgiving?

2008-12-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

It's hard to express faith and patience when we are upset. It's hard to be forgiving when we are angry. It is hard to express love when we are resentful.

Therefore, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that if we could learn to remain calm and not upset and resentful in the moment of stress--we can be better Christians. Resentment, anger and upset block love and patience.

We all know that we are supposed to be reasonable, forgiving and patient. But it is hard to do so when under pressure. For example, the Christian learns wonderful Biblical principles in church,

Sunday School, or listening to Christian radio, but when under stress, we become upset or angry.

We then often say the wrong thing or feel the wrong thing (resentment). Then we escape into thinking, where we try to rearrange the past, excuse our failing, or worry and scheme about the future.

When we keep failing to apply the principles that we love, we become frustrated and angry at ourselves. But all this does is add another layer of upset.

The answer is to learn how to respond properly to stress, instead of reacting and becoming upset.

Roland Trujillo Announces New Stress Solutions Radio Program

2008-12-16T09:01:00.000-08:00

Stress Solutions is now available for syndication as a free public service. The Center For Common Sense Counseling announces that The Roland Trujillo Show will soon be available across the country on both Christian and non Christian stations.

Roland Trujillo has been on the air for almost 19 years offering stress solutions and tools. He helps people with family, emotional, and work issues. H shows people how to calm down and be less upset, so they can take advantage of devotions, spiritual reading, and the good advice of ministers and helpers.
Roland says "when people are very upset, they ave a hard time hearing and putting into practice the good things they read and hear." But when calmed down, they can be more thoughtful.

The Center For Common Sense Counseling is delighted and excited about this new outreach.

Station managers may go to www.commonsensecounseling.org and click on the Stations button.

How Do I Stay Calm

2008-12-04T17:44:00.000-08:00

Most of us would like to deal with life's problems with calmness and understanding. Instead we find ourselves reacting and becoming upset. The more upset we become the more resentful we become toward others. We become impatient with them and then we become impatient with ourselves. Soon we start to blame others for our lack of control.

Of course, this is unfair to others. So they react to us. Soon family and relationship problems escalate. Once the process begins, we don't know how to stop it. Either we explode at one another or we repress our hostilities until we are seething volcanoes. All this repressed material soon erupts in other symptoms.

When we can't control ourselves, then we look to experts to control us. Soon we are their subjects, paying dearly for their treatments which never really seem to make us better. Individuals, families, and the whole world is brimming over in anger and upset. Fortunately there is a real answer to your problem. It focuses on the moment of reaction, when you succumb to some stress.

Look at it another way. If you could learn to be calm in the moment of stress (without expressing or repressing impatience, anger or upset), you would not add any fuel to the fire. Calmness and reason could be brought to bear, and you might even have a good laugh.

In order to solve your problem, you must learn to have an attitude of alert preparedness. When the moment of stress arrives, you will be ready for it already graced with calmness and understanding. Now, you will have a twinkle in your eye, meeting the moment with understanding. You will now influence the moment instead of the moment influencing you.

The way to be prepared to meet life with understanding is through a proper meditation. This meditation is learning how to go in a room and become still before the Truth. Through this practice, you will download (so to speak) enough calmness and understanding to meet the day's vicissitudes.

What most of us do, on the other hand, is go out into the world and react to something. The rest of the day is spent playing catch up. Plus, there is left over baggage from previous upsets which carries over into the next interaction. Already upset and with adrenaline flowing through your veins, you feel anxious and impatient. When someone (like your child, for example) comes along, you react impatiently and upset him. Then you feel guilty and perhaps become too nice as a compensation. Soon others start to walk over you, and this upsets you.

article continues below

______________________

announcement

Roland's new book is now available at CafePress. Becoming a Friend of God: Finding Peace of Mind and Courage in an Age of Anxiety is the culmination of 20 years of teaching and mentoring.

Find out more. . . . . .

_________________________

It is much better to allow reason and patience to lead the way. When you begin the day with a commitment to knowing and flowing from the Truth in each moment, you become less subjective, less suggestible, and less "upsettable".

All that remains is to learn from this marvelously simple ancient technique. All that is needed is a sincere desire to know the Truth which is greater than you are, and a willingness to admit your wrong.

............Learn more

Coping with Stress in Hard Times - Spiritual Recovery

2008-11-28T16:27:00.000-08:00

Real Faith is the answer to coping with financial and family problems.

Sooner or later, crisis happens. It is the nature of things that something will go wrong. Sometimes it's been building for a long time. But when the crisis happens, we tend to become upset and emotional. And even if we might have remained calm, others are upset and soon they influence us, making us upset too.

We all know that someone has to have a cool head. We might even put on a good front, pulling ourselves together, and be more calm and rational that the others.

But crisis tends to make us doubt and fear. or fear and doubt. Both go hand in hand. We see ourselves nervous and upset, and we begin to doubt ourselves. We start to doubt God, providence, goodness. We start to be tormented by questions about why God lets bad things happen.

Hopefully, the crisis at hand will soon be over. Hopefully, things will be okay. We breath a sigh of relief. But this will be a good time to reflect on life and learn something. First, you will see for sure that we are spiritual beings that live by faith. When our faith waivers, we start to flounder and become tormented by negative thoughts.

You learn that faith and belief in something greater than yourself is very important. You learn that it has to be real, not just emotional or intellectual.

If our faith is not a deep unemotional bond with the Creator within, it will be a false faith in some external thing. And anything or anyone external is sure to fail, disappoint or betray you. Faith is a sacred thing between the soul and its Maker.

You will learn that faith and belief in an insurance policy, a health practitioner, a religious ritual, a support group, an authority, a minister, an expert, a secular advice giver does not go deep enough. A procedure, a ritual, a pat on the back, a good insurance policy may provide a temporary fix and get you over the crisis: but it doesn't suffice. Not only does it not answer the deepest questions in life. But more fundamentally, it does not provide the unbreakable bond that links the soul to its Maker.

We are told to live by faith. But you have never known what faith is. You thought it was an emotional thing. You thought that affirming something over and over, that reinforcing some memory, that fervently rattling beads or chanting some ritualistic words was faith.

But the truth is that when emotions rise, faith fails.

Let me repeat--emotions rise when faith fails. He who is faithful is calm. But when faith disintegrates, then worry, fear, anxiety, or dread arise. In fact, from a spiritual point of view, melancholy, depression, and bitterness have a loss of Faith at their root.

Faith and love are connected. When love fails, emotion also rises. Now you know why we get angry or resentful. Love has failed. And when we don't have faith in God, but have a false faith in chance or our own cleverness, than a run of bad luck will make us resentful, angry, even depressed.

All most of us have ever known is a false faith of emotionalism. We vow our emotional love, but years later, such emotionalism is seen to be short lived. We affirm some belief, over and over. We try to buttress our weak faith with intellectualism: verses memorized, dogmas learned, own with trite phrases.

What will sustain us in all our trials and tribulations is real faith. But with all our huffing and puffing, we cannot give ourselves faith.

The real thing begins when you begin to trust what you wordlessly know in your heart. When you trust your gut. When you trust your hunches. When you cling to what you know deep down, what you see to be true, no matter what everybody else says.

In fact, real faith is seen in its most basic form in common sense. You just know what makes sense. It's a gift. You can't learn it in school.

So now you know. If you become emotional, see the emotions for what they are: empty and vain. Don't try to push them under the rug or deny them. Just don't trust them.

Get the awareness meditation that we offer for free. Learn the secret of standing back and observing thought with being involved in it. You will not longer be the thought. You will be the observer of thought. You always thought the thoughts that arose in your moment of failing were your thoughts. You will come to see that they are temptations.

They rise to excuse, justify and rationalize your failing. They comfort your pride. Or they torment you with doubts and negative things.

Don't struggle with them. Just observe them.

It is the Light in which you stand, that permits you to stand back and observe thought; the light that gives you the power to separate from thought and no longer follow the thoughts. It is that Light in which you must trust and learn to have faith.

Part 1 of a 2 Part Series

Trauma, Compulsion, Learning Blocks and Stress

2008-11-23T14:44:00.000-08:00

This article describes the pitfalls of being willful, and how much of a person's willfulness comes through them unconsciously. Traumatically emotional events of childhood are the cause.

Recover depends upon becoming aware and discovering the truth in the Light of Intuition. Being able to observe with calmness and patience, instead of upset and resentment, permits the power of intuition to begin the process of recovery. A chapter in my book Recovery From Within is devoted to the topic of hypnosis and its role in much that goes wrong in our life.

I describe how a person on the stage can be hypnotized to do something. When they carry out the command posthypnotically, they are obeying the will of the hypnotist. In other words it is the hypnotist's will operating through them. Yet, if you ask them why they did something, the will claim it was their own will.

And so it is in life, we carry out the will of people posthypnotically when certain situations arise.

For example, a mother may upset her child by berating her about being lazy. She might point to the dire consequences of not doing the dishes, and tell the child that the unwashed dishes represent her laziness.

Later in life, the child may feel a compulsion to wash dishes whenever she sees them. In this case, the will of the mother is acted out posthypnotically. Of course, it can work the other way—it could be that the will of the mother was to destroy the child and tempt her to rebel against cleaning.

Another victim of this trauma created by the mother now finds it impossible to wash her dishes, because she is compelled to rebel. Leavening the kitchen messy draws criticism and ends up confirming the cruel suggestion of the mother that the daughter is lazy.

Bear in mind that in both of these scenarios, it is not the will of the daughter to clean or not clean the dishes. It is the will of the mother. (And just whose will was operating through mother?)

Even if the child rebels against her will, it is a reaction, and the resulting rebellion might also be the secret goal of the mother’s pressure.....

People come under the spell when they are emotionalized or excited, when they are full of doubt or fear and look for guidance, or when they want something (they have been tempted to want). And when under the spell, they are programmable. We also fall under the spell when we concentrate too hard, focus our attention on something and use willpower.

Without realizing it, we are all under the spell.

Unless we begin to awaken through suffering or by encountering a person who is aware and honest, who tends to awaken us from our spell, we go through life doing the will of others and never know why our life ends in tragedy....

Your recovery depends on waking up and staying awake. I don’t know of a better way than practicing the proper meditation (which you can obtain for free at www.rolandtrujillo.com).

How to Move with Calm Energy and Overcome Pressure and Stress

2008-09-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

Years ago there was a wonderful television program called Kung Fu. It was about a monk from China who travelled around the old West and had many adventures.

The writers and the main actor did a fantastic job of showing how a person should live. First of all, he loved what was right. He loved what was right so much that he even risked his life to see justice prevail and to help other people. He did what was right even though there was no advantage for him.

He lived intuitively and spontaneously. For each new moment he checked with his conscience and moved intuitively according to its delicate wordless dictates. He did not react to tease, temptation, or provocation. He let tease and temptation pass. When and if he moved, it was in his own time and space, and not in reaction to temptation.

I believe it is possible for each of us, living now in the 21st century to live and move and have our being gracefully, just as Caine, the Shaolin monk did in the Kung Fu Television Series.

If you sense that you are not living your own life, that you are somehow out of balance, pressured and never at ease, then you can be sure that you are moving with the wrong energy. This is a very subtle problem. Despite all the education and help available, many people "live lives of quiet desperation," or at least continue to feel stressed and uneasy.

Fortunately, the solution is simple. All that is required are a few basic realizations, and then the willingness to follow through on what one realizes. And would you believe it? One discovers that the beautiful principles of noble spiritual practices are indeed true.

Faith, love, living in the present, and being more forgiving really do work. But how to implement them? This is the key issue.

As I said, with all the knowledge and help available, you would think that war, violence, misunderstanding, divorce, and hate should be things of the past. Anxiety, frustration, depression, and stress should be relegated to the history books. Instead, things are not better in 2010.

If anything, they are worse. My books, lectures, and blog posts are for the sole purpose of helping people discover the secret of finding and implementing faith, love, and patience.

When we are rushing for a goal, we move with a different energy than when we are calm. Trouble is, that once we start reacting to outside people, places and situations, we start responding to the will operating through them.

Your mom, for example, may have had to rush around. Perhaps she was busy and had to both work and take care of home. Read more

Find out more about meditation

Preview free at Scribd Conquering Stress and Its Symptoms

For a donation of any amount receive one of Roland's books in ebook form as our gift.

Understanding and Resolving Your Inner Conflicts

2007-12-16T14:35:00.000-08:00

Most of our health, mental, spiritual, and emotional problems are a result of conflict. The conflict has three aspects: conflict with self, conflict with others, and conflict with conscience.

By far the most critical conflict is our conflict with conscience. The proper resolution of this conflict will begin to resolve the other conflicts as well. So, in this article we will look, in turn, at each of the types of conflict, beginning with conflict with conscience.

Conscience is another word for intuition: what we wordlessly know deep down. Intuition is how the soul knows. The soul that is close to the Inner Light of Truth is near to God. God sends His Light, and it shines within. In this Light we see and know, and it is an infallible guide. It keeps us from error and steers us along the lines that the Good Lord had in mind for us.

Intuition is our guide and our lifeline to God. Through intuition, we realize, discover, and are imparted understanding.

Those people who follow their intuition become inventors, explorers, discoverers, geniuses, and mystics. To a greater or lesser extent, anyone who develops their own God given talents and uses them for the good of others is following intuition. Without knowing these individuals personally, I think it is safe to say that people like Albert Einstein, Tiger Woods, Winston Churchill, and Ansel Adams followed their intuition and the pattern waiting to unfold for them. Those who follow intuition all the way, discover the Truth for which they have been searching all their lives, and they are especially blessed.

There is a pattern waiting to unfold. Sometimes we get a glimpse of it in advance. Sometimes we remember that we once saw it ahead, like deja vu. Other times we are warned of danger about to occur, and we avoid it. Mostly, when we live intuitively we live moment by moment, playing one note at a time, and we are shown enough to live that one moment properly. A lifetime of moments lived properly leads to character and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

The amazing thing is that intuition is there for all of us. But we fail to follow it, we doubt it, we ignore it, and then we cannot find it. We listen to the so called experts on the outside. We let their voices out shout the still small voice within. We follow our teachers, professors, medical men, and other experts instead of intuition. And when they lead us into error, we resent them. When we fail to develop our own pre ordained pattern, because we cop out to others, we develop conflict with ourselves and our conscience. We sense something not quite right about the way we are proceeding.

All of this is to say that when we ignore or fail to follow our intuition, we develop conflict with it. You see, the pattern of good is always there, waiting to unfold. But when we do not heed and follow it, it remains a latent pattern. We sense the inner light as conscience when our present predicament makes us aware of the discrepancy between the potential good and the present deviation.

But the voices on the outside and the inside are always there urging us to be prideful, and challenging us to strive for personal greatness. The loud voices and the persuasive permissive voices urge us to forget about principle and to grab for the gusto. And when we fall and fail, it comforts our wounded pride with consolation and blame of others. It tells us we did not try hard enough. It challeneges us to strive even more.

Were we, at any point, to have a change of heart, and instead of running from conscience, permit it to overwhelm us and show us our error, we would experience regret, pain, shame and sadness. Then would come relief, as we are reconciled to conscience, intuition, and the God Who loves us.

Were you reconciled to intuition, you would once again begin to move intuitively. Moreover, a process of redemption and justification would take place, whereby your thinking, your emotions, your body, and your life would be brought back into harmony with Divine purpose.
Conflict with conscience would cease. You would become friends with conscience. Conflict with God would cease, as you would now welcome His involvement in your life and welcome His guidance.

Now a friend of God and a friend of truth, you begin to learn how to relate to other people. You discover that anger and resentment not only set up road blocks to honest and kind communication, but anger and resentment also hurt ourselves. Seeing its wrong attitude (pride) and how it uses the handmaiden of anger to judge others and survive pridefully, the now wiser soul gives up anger and weans itself from what supports pride.

A simple reconciliation with Truth, and continuing to abide in that Truth (by a daily commitment of proper meditation) lead to a cascade of right choices and good relations. Fortunately, the meditation exercise will permit you to stand back and observe. And it will give you the power to make a free choice: to go the familiar old way of resentment and striving, or to quietly say no to the old way by embracing principle, not because you have to, but because you want to and are free to, thanks to the grace of God.

Understanding Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

2007-10-20T16:05:00.000-07:00

First some basics. A famous and well known life changes assessment instrument lists various events or changes--such as death of a spouse, change in living conditions, change in job, etc. The person is asked to check off which ones he or she has recently experienced and then add up a score.

What is interesting to me is how many of them are changes. It appears that change itself is stressful. It may be interesting or even fun (though not necessarily) to go on a trip, move to a new apartment, or change jobs--but for the average person, there is stress involved.

So now let's look at the biggest change that occurred to the human race: the fall in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve went from being in Paradise to a living hell. They went from living forever to dying. They went from having God's approval to getting His disapproval.

Laugh if you will. But if you dare to keep reading this article your eyes may be opened to see the truth of it.

In our own lives, many of us will never go to a war zone, though some of us will. But we may experience somewhere along the way theft, mugging, attempted rape, racism, prejudice, betrayal or unfairness.

Do you see why these are stressful? They involve a big change. A loss of innocence, a loss of faith, a loss of trust, a loss of love for others (when we hate them).

See how these types of situations may result in a second fall, something like the one Adam and Eve experienced.

When you were little, you were close to God. You were self contained and full of joy. You loved discovering things. You were probably fearless. You loved your mommy and daddy, your brothers and sisters, your pets, and your doll or stuffed animals. You also knew deep down in a wordless way that God exists.

But when betrayal and cruelty entered your life, it was at the hands of wicked people or people to whom it had been done. The evil action of another shocked you. It may have caused you to lose faith in what you know in your heart. It may have caused you to resent or hate. And when you did, the hate separated you from your own ground of being and initiated you into an animal jungle of beasts and evil.

Humans are very sensitive creatures. We have a soul or consciousness by which we can sense the presence of good or evil, right or wrong. We can sense love or the absence thereof. That is why if dad fails to protect you, it is a shock. If mother betrays you, rejects you, or brings strange men into the home, it is a shock. If other kids tease and are cruel, for no reason, it is shocking. But what really causes the fall is our reaction--especially when we resent, hate or judge the other person. Resentment and judgment separate us from love, from the Heavenly Estate within, and joins us to the world that tempted us.

Before your trauma you were innocent and close to Heaven. Afterwards, you became externalized and began to change. Slowly you fell away from the inner Light and drew closer and closer to the sensual and the hell just beyond it.

In your own life you experienced a second fall from being close to Heaven and Paradise to a external jungle of cunning, treachery, deception, hatred, and injustice.

Do you see the magnitude of this change? Can you see that when you fell, you began to adapt to the the animal and devilish world that had penetrated you?

Christ said: the Kingdom of Heaven is within you. Refind the Heavenly Estate within. Begin responding to it again, and it will seal you off from the world of cruelty and hate.

The world of betrayal, cruelty, and meaninglessness won't be able to hurt you again. Learn the meditation so you can be still and refind the inner world of good, which even now silently testifies to the truth of these words.

What connects you to the wrong in the environment is, first of all, resentment. Hatred is the emotional connection to the wrong on the outside. And the other connection is that you are still looking for love and fulfillment on the outside. Can you see that any "love" or reassurance that the world offers is for the changeling creature you became when you reacted to injustice and wrong? The world's love only makes you more wrong and keeps you in your fallen condition

But don't hate others for their phony love. They cannot help themselves.

Forgive others, for "they know not what they do." Seek within and find love from your Creator. You won't have to resent others anymore when they fail to love you in a way that is truly good for you. Your fulfillment will be from within.

Refind the inner door and live in a beautiful present. Slowly but surely the memories of the traumas of the past will diminish and become unimportant. You will be progressively freed to live a happy and productive life and be a better mom, dad, husband, wife, and neighbor.

You can download an introductory version of the meditation at http://www.commonsensecounseling.org/

Could Your Problems Have a Basis in Emotions?

2007-07-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

Podcasts: listen now

We take emotions for granted. We feel we have the right to "express" our emotions, which usually means indulging anger, frustration, and upset. Of course, we balk when others indulge their emotions at our expense.

Don't look to our current culture to give you any help in controlling your emotions. Everywhere we are taught to express our feelings. Everywhere we are shown people over-reacting at game shows, ball games, parties, and so on. Now you see people screaming at rock concerts. You see professional wrestlers venting real or pretended rage.

But when we become sick through our emotional indulgences, when we get in trouble through our rants or road rage, and when our relationships are ruined by the indulgence of hostility, we look for help. And about the only help available is a prescription for psychoactive drugs.

Some people retreat into a shell, hiding from life, because life always upsets them. Most people learn that unrestrained emotional expression leads to hurt feelings, arguments and accidents. So they repress. But underneath they churn with suppressed rage and smouldering resentment.

Emotional control is not in vogue right now. But it definitely is the way to living life peacefully and on an even keel. Ann Landers once said that we should endeavor to treat our spouse and family members with the same respect and courtesy that we treat others. To do so requires emotional control.

Down through history, enlightened people have taught a life of calmness, reason, and dispassionate love of others. The wisdom of the East and the wisdom of the West have this in common--self control, discipline, and respectful relations.

Step number one to emotional control is simply realizing that although we have the "right" to vent our emotions, it is not the human way to be. Our ego always wants to believe that it has the right to resent others, judge them, and get angry at them. Our ego uses the feelings that are generated to submerge itself in and wallow in.

Without emotion, the ego has to face itself objectively and realize its selfishness.

Another way of describing emotionalism is to say that it is basically selfish. We indulge our feelings because they support pride.

Secondly, if you are a parent, you must see that your fits, rants, and emotional displays not only set a bad example for your children; but your emotional displays actually condition them to respond to emotional intimidation.

Many a child fears his dad's temper or his mother's sharp tongue.

How can you expect your kids to say no to promiscuity or say no to drugs, when you yourself indulge yourself emotionally?

Finally, many people think that emotional control means painful suppression. But I say that it is possible to learn how not to be upset in the first place. If you don't become angry in the first place, then you don't have to suppress.

Therefore, if you would like to learn the secret to natural self control, then may I recommend you practice the meditation we teach here at the Center For Common Sense Counseling.

Get the free meditation now

The Miracle of Love and Patience

2006-11-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

For all the knowledge that we have, there is a desperate need for understanding. Years ago, I used to write about the angry screaming parent. I told parents to be more patient and kind. I advised the kids not to resent their parents. My message has always been one of helping victims to recover. And the added benefit of this is that the recovered victim will not go on to victimize others. The best way for the children of abusive parents to become mature, happy, and a good parents themselves is to forgive their parents.

Today I must also write about the seemingly nice but weak and unaware parent. Today there are many parents who lack any authority at all. They abandon their kids to daycare, to every fad that comes along, to the popular culture and even to drugs. Such seemingly nice but ineffective and woefully unprotective parents tempt the children to resent them because of their weakness and lack of wisdom. I would also include the divorcing parents in this category. On the surface both parents may seem so nice, yet something weak and selfish is often there, which again tempts the children to hate them.

It is very painful to the child to be tempted to resent a parent who seems so nice. Having failed to protect the child with steadfast, longsuffering and wisdom, such parents tempt the children to feel resentful and cheated of something. But they cannot articulate what is missing, so they might even hate themselves.

Therefore I must again repeat the important instruction that applies whether we were spoiled, abandoned through permissiveness, tempted by parental selfishness, or abused--don't hate your parents. If they wronged you, see the wrong clearly, but don't hate them for it.

When a child harbors resentment and judgment against a parent, that resentment and judgment separate the child from his or her own inner Ground of Being. It is this inner Ground of Being from which we grow and flourish in the image of our Creator.

When we hate another (or secretly hate them, via resentment) we have only the image of the hated person before us. And strange but true: we then grow in the image of what we hate.

I know it sounds mysterious and far out, but it is true. All you need do is observe those around you and you will see it occur before your very eyes. It is especially observable between parent and child.

Therefore, if you want to grow to be your true self, what God intended for you before your being was deformed by hatred, you must forgive your parents.

I don't know why it is so easy for us, when we are egotistical, to hate people. But it is definitety not something we should do. Christ, Who knew the Father better than anyone else ever has, made it clear over and over again that love for our fellow humans is what God expects from us. Therefore, if you believe Him, then you must take to heart what he said.

Many people say "I don't hate anyone." They do not realize that their secret resentment and secret judgment of others is tantamount to hate.

Christ elaborated by instructing us to "do unto others what we would have them do unto us." All you have to do is think about how you feel when you find out that someone is judging you, condemning you, or talking about you behind your back. You feel terrible because you know it is unfair and it is hatred, not love.
You also know that when someone secretly resents and condemns you, it is not love. Perhaps the worst of all is the sneaky hatred which involves seeing another's error but not saying anything that might help them improve.

Of course, many times we button our lip because another's error is not our business. Or we keep quiet because we are already angry or resentful underneath and we know that our resentment or secret hostility would be evident when we said something.

But the fact that we have these concerns only proves that resentment and judgment are not nice things and that deep down we know this fact.

I will be so bold as to say that whether or not you continue in your resentments and judgments will determine your eternal future. Yes, you have a right to resent and hate. But when you do, you turn your back on patience. You give up eternity for a moment's pleasure: the pleasure of luxuriating in judgment and resentment.

Ponder carefully whether it is worth it. The fact that we would hate another, knowing that it is wrong and knowing that God condemns it, proves how stubborn our ego is. It would rather "enjoy"hating than have fellowship with God.

This brings us full circle to the topic of forgiving our parents. We cannot say we love people if we have a grudge against someone near and dear to us, especially a parent. As long we have a grudge against someone close to us, our love for strangers is false, a compensation for the real love we lack.
Bear in mind that forgiving does not mean condoning or approving of some real wrong they may have inflicted on you. Nor does it mean that you have to pretend it didn't happen and like them or be close to them. It is perfectly possible to forgive another and then have nothing to do with them again (when they are unrepentant). Forgiveness means not hating, not resenting, not judging.

When you have dropped your resentment, you will feel a millstone lifted from your neck. You will be freed to go on to live a productive life. When you forgive others, then God will forgive you. He will restore your soul.

Find out about Roland's books such as Becoming a Friend of God